amalthea81

Hell yes I did!

2008-09-08T04:17:10Z

Dispelling the myths around eating disorders

2008-06-14T23:07:04Z

This one hasn't been graded yet, but I thought I'd go ahead & post it anyways:

There is a dark, dirty secret that affects millions of people’s lives that no one seems to want to talk about: Eating disorders. Though eating disorder awareness is growing, it still has a very long way to go. Eating disorders are stigmatized and misunderstood in our society, and this interferes with treatment and recovery. They are serious diseases that do not discriminate against any gender or race. They can take on many different forms and co-exist with other types of mental illness. By bringing them out of the dark and into the light, we can take away the shame and the secrecy that is so inherent in the illness and help people to get better. Because if there is any myth that needs to be dispelled, it is that people with eating disorders do not get better; that is just not true. People do get better. But first they have to be able to talk about what is wrong before they can start setting things right.

To demonstrate how shameful eating disorders are viewed in our society, I would like to relate an experience I had at a meeting of Alcoholic’s Anonymous (AA). It is not uncommon for men and women to share embarrassing stories at meetings, usually relating the horrible experiences they had with drinking that eventually prompted them to quit drinking. Nor is it unusual for them to talk about other problems in their lives, whether they are about money or work or relationships or whatever else they are struggling with at the time. However, I was surprised to learn that, as one woman put it, “eating disorders are something that we just don’t talk about.”
Bear in mind, this is a group of drunks, many of whom have been homeless, jobless, and penniless. They can tell you about the many times they passed out in a pool of their own vomit after a night of drinking, but they cannot or will not, tell you if they ate today or not. Does this seem a bit awry to you? Because it does to me.

When talking about eating disorders, most people will likely think of anorexia or bulimia, but most do not realize that these are not the only forms food-related pathologies can manifest. Additionally, many may not even know what an eating disorder entails. Anorexia nervosa is characterized by a maintained weight 15% or more below a healthy weight (NHS, 2004). In addition, the individual is obsessed with weight and appearance, restricts food intake in order to lose weight, and is intensely afraid of becoming fat. Bulimia nervosa is a disorder in which a person consumes large quantities of food in short period of time (binging) and then compensates by fasting, exercising, vomiting (purging), or using diuretics, laxatives, or emetics. Binge-eating disorder (BED) is a newly recognized disorder that is similar to bulimia, but without the compensatory behavior (NHS, 2004). It is also more prevalent than anorexia or bulimia – 3.5% of the population as compared to 0.9% and 1.5%, respectively (Hudson, et al). Despite its commonality, BED is also the least researched (Ginsburg, 2007). Indeed, there is a significant lack of research for eating disorders in general, though increasing awareness does seem to be changing this trend. Lastly, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) recognizes that there are eating patterns and food behaviors that do not meet the specific criteria for any of the aforementioned disorders, but that are still problematic enough to be clinically diagnosed as “eating disorder not otherwise specified” (ED-NOS). Unfortunately, eating disorders rarely occur by themselves. According to a February, 2007 study from the National Institute for Mental Health, “people with eating disorders, regardless of the type, often have coexisting mood, anxiety, impulse-control, or substance use disorders,” (Hudson, et al).

Eating disorders affect men and women of all ages and races (Immell). While women are predominantly affected, more and more men are seeking treatment (Liddane). In 2001, experts estimated as much as 10% of all cases were male (Koudsi). Onset is most commonly in the early teenage years for both men and women. Athletes and dancers seem to be especially prone, perhaps because they share a desire for perfection, high achievement, and competition that is common amongst people with eating disorders (Leone). Though once thought to be a problem primarily in Western society, medical professionals are discovering more and more occurrences in industrialized countries such as China and Japan (Hempel).

There has been a small movement to try to use educational programs to prevent the onset of eating disorders, but how effective are these prevention programs? One 1995 study actually showed an increase in eating disorder behavior after a prevention program for female college students (Mann, 1995). Is it possible that instead of frightening or educating these girls to choose healthier eating habits, the presenters actually glamorized the disease? Or did the exposure just normalize the behavior for them? Unfortunately, exposure caused by awareness efforts can have the unintended affect of increasing behavior by making it appear more normal and less taboo. The question is if the benefits outweigh the risks.

In my own attempts at recovery from binge eating, I was exposed to information about bulimia which eventually led to me becoming bulimic. I purchased a self-help book called, “Overcoming Binge Eating,” by Dr. Christopher Fairburn. The book addressed bulimia and BED and contained personal accounts from patients with both disorders. One night, when reading a personal account by a bulimic patient, I noted that she mentioned using her fingers – plural - to make herself purge. I had tried to make myself purge in the past but I had been unsuccessful unless I was drunk. Then I would only make myself throw up if I knew I had already drank too much and would probably be throwing up in a few hours anyways. But I had always used one finger. She used more than one. And just like that, revelation! I immediately put down my book and ran into the bathroom to test my theory. Were two fingers better than one? Absolutely. And thus my already disordered behavior took on a new and exciting form.

Five years and thousands of dollars later, I sometimes wonder, if I had never read that book, would I have started purging? And does that even matter? My eating was already quite out of control before then. I binged and fasted, I binged and exercised, I gained weight, I lost weight, I took diet pills, I did drugs, I drank, and so on. So one could readily conclude that I was already quite susceptible to suggestion, and even if I did not start vomiting, my self-destructive behavior would probably continue or even escalate in some other manner. Looking back, I realize that I had known other bulimics and anorexics in the past, but I was ignorant to their disorders. Nevertheless, their behaviors failed to penetrate my ignorance at the time. I had read about bulimia and anorexia, and even tried to mimic these disorders to lose weight, but the behaviors did not “stick.” It was not until that night at 22 that for some reason - perhaps the planets and stars aligned just so or my neurons and synapses fired in just the right way – that purging made sense, seemed right, and worked.

According to a study conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health, “Eating disorders… represent a public health concern because they are frequently associated with other psychopathology and role impairment, and are frequently undertreated,” (Hudson, et al). This being said, in 2005 the institute provided 75% more funding to Alzheimer’s disease than eating disorders, even though eating disorder affected more than twice a many Americans (10 million versus 4.5 million). The funding it did provide was only for anorexia; there were no reported research funds for bulimia or ED-NOS (NEDA). The lack of funding is indicative of the overall lack of resources for people struggling with this disease. Eating disorders are typically classified as a mental illness, so most insurance companies process the claims that way. However, the illness can take a horrific toll on a person’s physical well-being as well; requiring medical treatment that insurance companies often will not pay for. Treatment is extremely expensive and requires professionals who have had specialized training, which are few and far between. My six-week outpatient treatment program through Providence St. Vincent’s Medical Center cost nearly $30,000. Though the center was in Portland, Oregon, there were patients there who had traveled from all over Oregon, Washington, and Idaho simply because there was no other such facility around for them to get the help they needed.

The need for help is out there, but no one is talking about it because eating disorders are so very taboo. This is unacceptable. The nature of eating disorders is to hide and be secretive. When engaging in this disease, a person does not want others to know how much she is eating or not eating. She does not want family or friends to know that she just threw up, again. This secrecy wrecks havoc on the mind and the body. To make matters worse, society reinforces this secret by condemning models and actresses so afflicted in the tabloids and gossip magazines. Why reach out for help when you’ll be judged as vain, shallow, or desperate for attention? Why reach out for help when the only reaction you will get is disgust or invalidation? For those that have the courage to speak out and ask for help, they find that help is far away and incredibly costly. It is so much easier to just eat another candy bar, run another mile, or swallow another pill and let the disease run its course.

The hope is that by talking about the problem and brining awareness and understanding, the stigma that shrouds this disease will be removed and the easier it will be for people to reach out. Through the classic phenomenon of supply and demand, the more the demand increases for assistance, the more assistance will be supplied, and more people will have the opportunity to recover.

Recovery is possible, but not guaranteed. For anorexia, studies show 43% completely recover, 36% improve, 20% become chronic, and 5% die. Subsequent studies show the mortality rate to be 9.6% (NHS, 2004). Though there has been less research on bulimia, studies have shown that bulimics have a slightly better recovery rate, with 50% recovering completely, 30% improving, and 20% becoming chronic. The mortality rate is unknown. (NHS, 2004). Very little research has been done on binge-eating disorder, but short-term studies show a much better prognosis. A five-year study showed an 88% improvement rate (Fairburn, et al, qtd. in Kriz 112).
My fear and my hope is that the more we talk about eating disorders, the more their prevalence will increase… for a time. This is because I hope that those who have these afflictions will increasingly seek out help and get treatment and get better. I do not want more people to develop eating disorders; I believe that they are already out there, but they are too afraid, ashamed, and hopeless to say anything. The more people talk about this shameful secret, the less shameful it becomes. The more people understand, the more they can offer support. The more support is available, the more people can recover and start living fuller lives; lives that are worth living.

Works Cited
Academy For Eating Disorders. About Eating Disorders. Retrieved June 13, 2008 from http://www.aedweb.org/eating_disorders/index.cfm
Fairburn, C.G., Cooper, Z., Doll, H.A., Norman, P. & O’Connor, M. (2000, July). The Natural course of binge-eating disorder in young women. Archives of General Psychiatry, 57, 659-665, as cited in Kriz 112.
Ginsburg, Shayna M. An integrative group model treatment program for binge eating disorder. Diss. Alliant International University, San Francisco Bay, 2007. Dissertations & Theses: Full Text. ProQuest. 14 Jun. 2008 http://www.proquest.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/>
Hempel, Jessi. "Anorexia Is Becoming a Problem in Asia." At Issue: Anorexia. Ed. Karen F. Balkin. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2005. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Apollo Library. 13 June 2008 <http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentset=gsrc&type=retrieve&tabid=t010&prodid=ovrc&docid=ej3010003220&source=gale&srcprod=ovrc&usergroupname=apollo&version=1.0>
Hudson, J.I., Hiripi, E., Pope HG Jr, Kessler, RC. The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the National comorbidity Survey Replication. NIMH. Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School and Biological Psychiatry Laboratory, McLean Hospital, Belmont, Massachusetts 02478, USA. jhudson@mclean.harvard.edu Retrieved June 12, 2008 from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16815322?dopt=AbstractPlus
Immell, Myra H. “Eating Disorders: An Overview.” Contemporary Issues Companion: Eating Disorders. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2001. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Apollo Library. 13 June 2008 <http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentset=gsrc&type=retrieve&tabid=t010&prodid=ovrc&docid=ej3010076204&source=gale&srcprod=ovrc&usergroupname=apollo&version=1.0>.
Kriz, Kerri-Lynn Murphy The efficacy of Overeaters Anonymous in fostering abstinence in binge-eating disorder and Bulimia Nervosa. Diss. Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University, 2002. Dissertations & Theses: Full Text. ProQuest. 14 Jun. 2008 http://www.proquest.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/
Koudsi, Suzanne. “Men are at risk of eating disorders.” Opposing Viewpoints: Eating disorders. Ed. Jennifer A. Hurley. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2001. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Apollo Library. 13 June 2008 <http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentset=gsrc&type=retrieve&tabid=t010&prodid=ovrc&docid=ej3010128221&source=gale&srcprod=ovrc&usergroupname=apollo&version=1.0>
Leone, Daniel A. “Athletes are more vulnerable to anorexia than non-athletes.” At Issue: Anorexia. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2001. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Apollo Library. 13 June 2008
<http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentset=gsrc&type=retrieve&tabid=t010&prodid=ovrc&docid=ej3010003208&source=gale&srcprod=ovrc&usergroupname=apollo&version=1.0>
Liddane, Lisa. "The Growing Number of Adult Men with Eating Disorders." Contemporary Issues Companion: Eating Disorders. Ed. Shasta Gaughen. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2004. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Apollo Library. 13 June 2008 <http://find.galegroup.com/ovrc/infomark.do?&contentset=gsrc&type=retrieve&tabid=t010&prodid=ovrc&docid=ej3010076222&source=gale&srcprod=ovrc&usergroupname=apollo&version=1.0>
Mann, Traci Positive and negative effects of eating disorder prevention programs: A longitudinal evaluation. Diss. Stanford University, 1995. Dissertations & Theses: Full Text. ProQuest. 13 Jun. 2008 http://www.proquest.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/
National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health. Eating Disorders. June 2004. NHS Institute for Innovation and Improvement. Newcastle, UK. Retrieved June 13, 2008 from the NHS Clinical Knowledge Summaries database http://www.prodigy.nhs.uk/eating_disorders/view_whole_topic
National Eating Disorders Association. Facts for activists (or anyone!). NationalEatingDisroder.org Long Island, New York. Retrieved June 13, 2008 from http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=286&Profile_ID=95634

The Way Of Tyler: Zen Buddhism & Fight Club

2008-06-14T23:01:16Z

Though the intro is weak, my teacher said the rest was "excellent." Hell, he some parts he even said were "brilliant"! Ha! Imagine that, something I wrote, being called brilliant! Amazing.

Enjoy!

Fight Club is rich with Zen Buddhist symbolism and contains themes of death and rebirth, enlightenment, salvation, and letting go. The movie is shocking and it can be difficult to get past the violence and blood to see the spiritual messages underneath, but they are there. The fighting parallels meditation in its own odd, unique way. Death and rebirth are seen in a number of different scenes, starting with Jack’s support groups all the way through to the very end, when Jack shoots himself to kill Tyler. Throughout the movie Tyler and Jack both talk about achieving enlightenment by hitting bottom, a ironic Zen take on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Jack finds salvation in a number of different places, from support groups to Fight Club and, ultimately, we are left at the end to think he found it by letting go of the illusion of Tyler. Of course, Jack has to shoot himself in order to do it, but that is just keeping along with the rest of the movie by being dark, violent, and shocking.

Though may think it rather paradoxical that a movie titled “Fight Club” could be so parallel with a faith primarily seen as nonviolent, Japanese Zen Buddhism has been called “the samurai’s religion” (Miklos) because it was practiced by the great samurai warriors in ancient Japan. The first precept of Buddhism is to abstain from killing other beings, but it does not say that one cannot fight. Indeed, many Zen masters strike, hit, or throw objects at their students in an attempt to shock them into awakening (Hooker, 1996).

In this same way, members of Fight Club strike one another as a sort of moving meditation, or a violent yoga (Dzilna). Jack described Fight Club as not being about winning or losing. “When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered. Afterwards we all felt saved.” Fight Club was a way for him to further free himself from his attachment and aversion to maya, the illusions of the world. Like meditation, Fight Club was without purpose; it just was. Meditation is about just being present with the here and now, without trying to change it, grasp it, or judge it. “Without purpose” does not mean that meditation is also without worth or value, however. Americans often tend to equate the one with the other, and they also think meditation is a way to achieve enlightenment. In actuality, this is incorrect. Shunryu Suzuki says in the book, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, “We do not slight the idea of attining enlightenment, but the most important thing is this moment, not some day in the future,” (101). Being present in the moment is fundamental to all forms of Buddhism. Jack and the other men achieved this when fighting. Jack said, “You weren’t alive anywhere like you were there,” and this can be what being present with yourself, in your true Buddha nature, feels like.

Being present can also be incredibly painful, as Tyler showed Jack during the lye scene. Tyler kisses the back of Jack’s hand to moisten it then pours lye over the area. As Jack scrambles in desperation from the pain, Tyler tells him to stay with the pain, not to block it out “the way those dead people do,” (referring to the people in the support groups Jack used to attend). He continues to say, “What you’re feeling is premature enlightenment!” The ability to experience deep pain, whether physical or emotional, without rejecting it or running away from it, is indeed a profound expression of our Buddha nature. Who do you know in your life that can experience such agony with calm and compassionate acceptance? Instead our habit is to shun pain, which feels “bad” and chase after pleasure, which feels “good.” In Buddhism, we learn to accept what is, good or bad. Indeed, Suzuki asserts that “We should find the truth in this world, through our difficulties, through our suffering… Good is not different from bad,” (101). Before giving Jack the vinegar needed to neutralize his burn, Tyler tells him, “First you have to give up, first you have to know, not fear, know, that someday you are going to die. It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything.” Tyler must have read Suzuki’s book, because he says, “For us, ust now, we have some fear of death, but after we resume our true original nature, there is Nirvana,” (94).

Many have heard the term nirvana before, and most may equate it with a grunge band in the 1990s whose lead singer ironically committed suicide. Before it was associated with songs like “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” the Sanskrit word was used to describe enlightenment. Enlightenment is fundamental to Buddhism, but The Four Noble Truths, which are less familiar to the mainstream, are the wellspring from which all Buddhism flows (BuddhaNet, 2008). They are as follows:
The First Noble Truth is dukkha, suffering. Suffering is inherent in life.
The Second Noble Truth is the cause of Dukkha, which is attachment, grasping, or desire.
The Third Noble Truth is nirvana, awakening or enlightenment. This is freedom from attachment and aversion, from the viscous cycle of death and rebirth (samsara) and from illusion (maya).
The Fourth Noble Truth is the Dharma, the Way, the path to enlightenment is the way of the Buddha, also called the Eightfold Path.
The Four Noble Truths tell us that life is suffering, desire causes suffering, nirvana is freedom from desire, and the way to nirvana is the way of the Buddha. Many have followed this path in order to achieve enlightenment. Zen Buddhism is slightly different from other schools of Buddhism in that it largely rejects traditional Buddhist scriptures in favor of practice and the belief that enlightenment can be achieved spontaneously at any time by any person (Watts, 77).
There is an ancient Zen koan that states, “If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him.” When taken literally, this statement can seem quite shocking and confusing, its deeper, truer meaning is not. One of the beliefs of Buddhism is that we all have a Buddha nature within us at all times. Each one of us is capable of achieving enlightenment, or nirvana (Sanskrit), and becoming Buddha in this lifetime. Zen Buddhism teaches that “enlightenment is achieved through the profound realization that one is already an enlightened being,” (Department of Asian Art, 2002). The Buddha in this koan represents the self, the concept of one’s own enlightenment or the assumed belief that the self should already be enlightened and the assumptions of what enlightenment is like. It is not a profound realization; it is an illusion, a distraction, and a hindrance to our practice. The road is a metaphor for the practice of Buddhism and meditation. To kill the Buddha is to remove our illusions of who and what we are and return to our practice without the distraction, judgments, or confusion. (Ordinary Mind Zendo, 2008).

Buddhists encourage simplicity and discourage material possessions because of the attachment, the desire, that accompany them. Acquiring material things is fun, and we may feel good about the stuff we have, but this feeling is temporary, impermanent, fleeting. Soon, it is gone and we look for something else to acquire so we can again experience that momentary happiness. This is the viscous cycle of consumerism, what Jack called, “the IKEA nesting instinct.” This is an example of the First and Second Noble Truths, and Jack is deep in this viscious cycle when the movie begins.

When Jack loses all of his “flaming worldly possessions” when his condo blows up, he is forced to take his first tentative steps on the Way. He expresses afterwards, “I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that was destroyed. It was me.” This statement show how confused Jack was. He had no sense of self, only stuff. He defined himself by his material possessions. As Tyler had told him, “The things you own end up owning you.” Alan Watts states that a man who identifies himself with the illusions of the world “condemns himself to the perpetual frustration of one trying to catch water in a sieve,” (p 42). Destroying that stuff was killing the Buddha, killing the illusion of self that Jack had built. It is a process of breaking down that had to take place before he could begin to find his true self, it is a death of one self and the birth of another.

Jack continues this path of self destruction to free himself from the cycle of samsara, death and rebirth. Death, rebirth, and salvation are major themes in the movie. When Jack starts going to his support groups, he says that every night he died and was reborn again. After he starts Fight Club, he says that after every fight all the men felt saved. Marla and Tyler first hook up when she attempts suicide by overdosing on Xanax. This is a turning point in the relationship and the movie because it is the “birth” of Tyler’s & Marla’s affair. Tyler threatens to kill Raymond K. Hessel in order to make him appreciate his life and live it to the fullest.

Tyler calls the car wreck a “near-life experience.” According to Alan Watts, “When a human being is so self-conscious, so self-controlled that he cannot let go of himself, he dithers or wobbles between opposites. This is precisely what is meant in en by going round and round on ‘the wheel of birth-and-death,’ for Buddhist samsara is the prototype of all viscious circles,” (138). During the car ride leading up to the wreck, Tyler yells at Jack over and over to “just let go!” The entire car ride is a metaphor for Jack’s internal battle to take the wheel and control his life, himself, and everything within and without him. By letting go of the wheel, the car careens off the road and over the guard rail and into a ravine. Tyler pulls Jack from the wreckage saying, “We just had a near-life experience!” Jack is one step closer to completely destroying himself and thus freeing himself from samsara and maya and finding nirvana. Jack narrates, “This must have been what all those people felt like before I filed them as statistics in my reports.” Jack’s guilt manifesting, experiencing a car accident in order to experience empathy and the compassion necessary for forgiveness (Thich Nhat Hanh)

The Third Noble Truth is freedom from suffering, nirvana. This is freedom from desiring, craving, and wanting in any form. Alan Watts attempted to describe nirvana in this way: “…despair bursts into joy and creative power, on the principle that to lose one’s life is to find it,” (50). “Losing all hope was freedom.” “It is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything.”

The Fourth Noble Truth describes the Dharma, the Way, Buddha’s Eightfold Path, as the means to achieving nirvana, or enlightenment, liberation. Essential to the Dharma is meditation (Sanskrit dhyana). Meditation goes against Westerner’s restless temperament and need for instant gratification (Watts, 54). Instead of meditation, Tyler and Jack create Fight Club. Fighting is a replacement discipline used for gaining enlightenment, but in the same spirit as meditation, that is not the end goal. In Buddhism “where there is purpose, where there is seeking and grasping for results, there is no dhyana ,” (Watts, 54). Of Fight Club, Jack says, “After a fight, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered.”

Before Jack kills Tyler at the end of the movie, he says, “My eyes are open.” This is Jack’s way of saying that he no longer needs the illusion that was Tyler Durden in order to continue on his spiritual journey. He shoots himself and lives, while Tyler, once his master and not his illusion, his maya, dies.

The movie ends with Marla joining Jack at the window and holding his hand as they both turn to watch the buildings fall. The image of Jack and Marla suggests balance, a kind of yin and yang, male and female, somewhat sane and somewhat less insane, joined together and facing the future. The fall of the buildings bombed by the members of Project Mayhem suggests destruction and change. That change is the only constant in life is a fundamental truth in Buddhism, as it is in many schools of thought. We could call the buildings destroyed, but we could also say they have changed. They were skyscrapers, not they have changed into piles of rubble. Who is to say one state of being is better than the other? In Buddhism, there is no good or bad, only the Truth.
The end of the movie is just as rich with symbolism and meaning as the rest. The rich spiritual depth spans a broad spectrum of serious topics, from death to rebirth, from salvation and enlightenment to letting go and freedom. Statements like “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything” parallel Zen Buddhism, but symbols from many other religions are dispersed throughout. Philosophy, psychology, addiction, nihilism, and Greek and Roman mythology are all notes that abound this symphony of shock, leaving the viewer perhaps confused, astounded, or even sickened. This movie challenges many aspects of our society and forces us to question what is really true in this world. What I have found to be true about the movie “Fight Club” is that it is a unique and provocative film that calls into question many aspects of our society and leaves behind tidbits of profound knowledge, philosophy, and spirituality riddled through the blood and gore like a trail of bread crumbs. Where do these bread crumbs lead? What better way to find out than to follow them?

Works Cited

Buddhanet.net. http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/pathmaps.htm
Hooker, Richard. “Japanese Buddhism: Zen Buddhism.” 1996. http://www.wsu.edu/~dee/FEUJAPAN/ZEN.HTM
Dzilna, Dzintars. “Fight club: Violence as Yoga.” 14 Aug 2004 http://wattage.blogspot.com/2004/08/fight-club-violence-as-yoga.html
The Metropolitan Museum of Art. "Zen Buddhism." Timeline of Art History. October 2000.
http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/zen/hd_zen.htm
Miklos, Andrew. “Zen Buddhism: Its Roots and Beliefs” http://www.ccds.charlotte.nc.us/History/Japan/02/miklos/miklos.htm
Suzuki, Shunryu. “Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind.” Ed. Trudy Dixon. New York & Tokyo: Weatherhill, 1977.
Watts, Alan W. “The Way of Zen.” New York: Vintage Books, Random House, 1957.

Rise Against

2007-12-15T07:35:38Z

Ready to Fall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmoB2svMld8

Prayer of the Refugee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOtNqDyyX2c

The Good Left Undone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGxLPV19tO4

Swing Life Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq0FM-cAVj8

Advent Children
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ3Re8EYSBw

Bad Religion

2007-12-15T07:04:27Z

New Dark Ages
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGqA1lNXYhg

Sinister Rouge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wERP_p6NCg

Atomic Garden
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wObCUYLjMdc

Kyoto Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRjSLBmYaoI

American Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaM4TE-9rEE

A Walk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_Ft7LVCmDI

God's Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WdttiSg5PM

Struck A Nerve
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQXvNgBDpDM

amalthea81 @ 2007-09-23T01:50:00

2007-09-23T08:53:49Z

you know why I always hated the saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?

Because it was always said in the context of a person (me) suffering something that most “normal” people don’t go through, and implying that because I had suffered through that I was somehow stronger in a sense than they were

And yet, all my recovery process somehow seemed as a means to make me more “normal”

But “normal” people were weak because they hadn’t suffered through what I had

I can’t be “normal”

Because “normal”

Is weak

I don’t want to be normal

I don’t want to be weak…

Is that right?

I mean, I know there is no such thing as “normal.” Every one has suffered through trials and hardships in their lives.

Hell, I’ve never even been physically or sexually abused… I have never had anyone close to be die… There are people who have been through far worse trials than myself…

And somehow, for some reason, I resist recovery… I don’t know why…

Please try to read between the lines…. Can you make any sense of what I am saying here?

amalthea81 @ 2007-09-03T00:03:00

2007-09-03T07:11:54Z

Voluntary Human Extinction Movement

2007-08-29T04:07:11Z

http://www.vhemt.org/

May we live long and die out.

Suicide Quotes

2007-06-16T08:05:46Z

"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
Doug Stanhope

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."”
Bill Maher

"Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live”
Charles Caleb Colton

"Why kill yourself? Life will do it for you.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”
Ben Okri

“Suicide is a fundamental human right. This does not mean that it is morally desirable. It only means that society does not have the moral right to interfere”
Thomas S. Szasz

"The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“No one ever lacks a good reason for suicide.”
Cesare Pavese

"All healthy men have thought of their own suicide”
Albert Camus
(Note: My therapist, L., says he has never truly contemplated suicide. Though he is a very effective DBT therapist who has practiced for 9+ years and who has overcome alcoholism & bulimia)

"It’s illogical, but I guess you could take a vitamin in the morning, and commit suicide in the afternoon."

"If you throw someone a life preserver, and they turn around and swim away from it; what can you do but let them drown themselves.”

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”
Albert Camus

“Here in the bathroom with me are razor blades. Here is iodine to drink. Here are sleeping pills to swallow. You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don’t throw yourself down the stairs, that’s a choice. Every time you don’t crash your car, you reenlist.”
Chuck Palahniuk

amalthea81 @ 2007-05-07T19:59:00

2007-05-29T03:03:48Z

My therapists both say, "Do things that you enjoy." God. They just don't get it. I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. At best, reading/sleeping will bring me to a place of numbness, where I forget about myself for a bit. But then I wake up or put the book down, and start being me again, and again I am just overwhelmed with feelings of misery and sorrow, guilt and shame, rage and pain.

Slowly I plod through the days, dogged and weary. Maybe at some point there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, I see only endless days of oppressive nothingness.

Right now I guess I’ll do distract and delay. I really just want to cancel my appt tomorrow, but I’ll go through with it. I’ll continue on as I have been & do my best not to engage in target behaviors.

AFI "Untitled"

2007-01-14T03:11:01Z

We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.