Such a wonderful night: I get to cuddle with Kitty Bear tonight!!! I rehomed her (due to allergies) to a friend over a month ago, and haven't seen her much since that happened. My friend has been taking very good care of her, but I've missed Kitty Bear tremendously since she's been gone. My allergies have gotten better, which is good, but also sucks because it means that having another pet any time soon is not in the cards, nor is taking Bear back. :(
The nice part about the rehoming situation is that my friend does live nearby, so I can visit Bear and spend time with her with relative ease. This afternoon she started throwing up, which is a sign that her kidneys are acting up again. My friend gave her an anti-nausea pill and I offered to watch her this evening while my friend went out. My friend also gave me keys to her apartment so I can check on Bear more easily in the future.
Thankfully, Bear seems to be doing well. She drank some tuna water and is now sleeping & purring in my lap & we both are incredibly content :) A few more days on the anti-nausea mess and she should be right as rain again. And I have keys to the apartment so it will be easier for me to visit more frequently :)
Something that has come to a head recently for me: Hyper-vigilance. I am constantly bracing for verbal/emotional/psychic attack. I never really realized this was the case for me before. I never thought of myself as anxious. And yet I constantly pick my face, skin, and nails. I am *always* exhausted. My back & shoulders hurt most of the time from the tension I carry in them. In social situations, I unconsciously seek out the most "powerful" person in the room & align with them if at all possible, or I fade into the background & leave as quickly as possible. I overreact to small failures and mistakes. If I think I have done something "wrong," the amount of terror and panic that follows is really horrible. Being late is tantamount to dying (almost).
I never realized how intense this was for me until recently. I started looking online about skinpicking and found that it's often attributed to anxiety disorders. I also went to a couple different healers who pointed out this intense hyper vigilance in me. It took a while for me to see and feel it for myself, but now it seems so clear, makes so much sense. No wonder I'm tired all the time! No wonder I get sick so frequently! No wonder the only place I ever feel safe is my room and my bed. I have learned to feel good in solitude when I'm out and about in the world, but that's often a stretch, and the peace leaves if I'm with another person or am running late.
The breathing difficulties I have from my allergies don't seem to help much, either. Because even then, it's hard to fall asleep sometimes or relax because I can't breath easily through my nose and it is still very uncomfortable to breath through my mouth.
I would like to do everything I can to support and heal myself around this issue. I need to and I want to because it's wearing me out to the point of not being able to function; past the point of even wanting to function, really.
This is not new, but my understanding & acceptance of the cause is.
What can I do?
I need to feel safe, at all times, down to the very core of my being. Somehow, I need to teach my body, mind and soul, that I am safe, always.
I have started meditating nightly, feeling into my body and noticing where the tension lies. I am practicing the gesture of safety that I learned in trauma group to help program my body to know that when I clasp my hands together it's a reminder that I am always safe.
In feeling into my body I'm noticing that holding my shoulders back and down opens my chest up & I can breath easier. It also opens my heart chakra, which is really important. If I can keep my heart chakra open at all times, I will be able to receive the love and joy and energy of the universe and I can let all experiences flow through me without holding onto anything. In this way, I can release all painful experiences and let them go. I can also prevent new painful experiences from harming me. I can live in joy and peace and connection, which is all I really want. I do believe that it is, on the most basic level, all any of us really wants.
Reestablishing a mindfulness practice is key. Practicing throughout the day, as much present moment awareness as possible. A good reminder is water. Any time I drink or wash my hands, it's a beautiful reminder to be mindful, at least for one breath.
I have noticed that my acid reflux has gotten pretty bad and this is something that I believe is tied to the hyper vigilance that I would like to address. Someday I would like to be off of omeprazole but at the moment I have had to double my dosage.
I have been told that dairy is not good for me, and I have been only so consistent about keeping it out of my diet. I am re-committing to eliminating dairy.
Ideally, I would like to see myself go on a whole foods diet, for at least a month. In this past week I have been sick so I have stopped drinking caffeine, which is awesome. The next big change would be to switch from eating mostly bars and packaged foods to real meals, preferably stuff that is homemade.
My boyfriend loves to cook, and I know he would love it even more if I joined him in the kitchen. Together we could make meals based on vegetables, potatoes, and meats. That would be really good for the both of us, and is pretty feasible. It will take some time, but I have found a few shortcuts to help me on days that I'm pressed for time.
For instance, I can buy a cooked chicken at the store & eat that for several days. Combined with some frozen veggies and rice and a little sauce (soy sauce with ginger and salt and honey) in a Tupperware, and I have a perfect lunch to take to work! Oatmeal for breakfast, maybe a hard boiled egg and some nuts for snacks, and I'm pretty well set for the day.
The challenge for me in the past has always been taking the time to prepare meals like this. I know it's not hard, but it has just never been enough of a priority for me to make it happen.
This past week has shown me that I need to make myself and my healing the number one priority in my life or I will die. There's simply no other way around it. In all honesty, I'm not really against dying, but I know on some level that it's not my time. I have been told by psychics and I feel it to be true that I will live a long and healthy life. I have a strong vitality keeping me on this planet. I try to deny it, I try to fight it, I try to run from it - I really do!!! But it's still there's, it's holding me here, and I am not going to change it no matter how much I struggler. Struggling against it, however, has and will cause me suffering, which I have had enough of and would much rather leave behind.
So. If I'm supposed to bloody damn be here then I had bloody best damn well get on with making it a shit damn positive fucking experience for myself...!!!
Reducing my physical discomfort is number one. It's really hard to do much else with my life when I'm tired and uncomfortable all.the.time. Reducing and eliminating the hyper-vigilance will allow me to redirect all that amazing energy and vigor within me into living rather than trying to protect myself from the attack that may or may not come and the war that ended long ago. It will also allow my nervous system to relax so I can experience the here and now as a joyful experience, or at least a decent experience, instead of something that must be survived and endured until I can get to someplace that is safe.
There are many things I want to do in life. I do want to travel. I do want to hike and climb and see some of the many beautiful places in the world. I do want to have a career that is fulfilling and enjoyable and supports my freedom.
As things are, I am tied to my job because it offers good benefits. I need good benefits so I can see my various doctors and specialists and have all my medications and supplements so I can stay functional enough to keep working. And I need the money to pay off the enormous student debt I have which is more of a source of shame and suffering than anything else in my life.
If I am going to be here for another 50 or 60 years, I would very much like to do more than prop myself up with a healthcare system that keeps me going just enough to keep working to pay for the healthcare system that keeps me going just enough to keep working....
I know it's possible. It starts here. It starts now.