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(no subject)  
08:27pm 20/02/2016
Such a wonderful night: I get to cuddle with Kitty Bear tonight!!! I rehomed her (due to allergies) to a friend over a month ago, and haven't seen her much since that happened. My friend has been taking very good care of her, but I've missed Kitty Bear tremendously since she's been gone. My allergies have gotten better, which is good, but also sucks because it means that having another pet any time soon is not in the cards, nor is taking Bear back. :(

The nice part about the rehoming situation is that my friend does live nearby, so I can visit Bear and spend time with her with relative ease. This afternoon she started throwing up, which is a sign that her kidneys are acting up again. My friend gave her an anti-nausea pill and I offered to watch her this evening while my friend went out. My friend also gave me keys to her apartment so I can check on Bear more easily in the future.

Thankfully, Bear seems to be doing well. She drank some tuna water and is now sleeping & purring in my lap & we both are incredibly content :) A few more days on the anti-nausea mess and she should be right as rain again. And I have keys to the apartment so it will be easier for me to visit more frequently :)

Something that has come to a head recently for me: Hyper-vigilance. I am constantly bracing for verbal/emotional/psychic attack. I never really realized this was the case for me before. I never thought of myself as anxious. And yet I constantly pick my face, skin, and nails. I am *always* exhausted. My back & shoulders hurt most of the time from the tension I carry in them. In social situations, I unconsciously seek out the most "powerful" person in the room & align with them if at all possible, or I fade into the background & leave as quickly as possible. I overreact to small failures and mistakes. If I think I have done something "wrong," the amount of terror and panic that follows is really horrible. Being late is tantamount to dying (almost).

I never realized how intense this was for me until recently. I started looking online about skinpicking and found that it's often attributed to anxiety disorders. I also went to a couple different healers who pointed out this intense hyper vigilance in me. It took a while for me to see and feel it for myself, but now it seems so clear, makes so much sense. No wonder I'm tired all the time! No wonder I get sick so frequently! No wonder the only place I ever feel safe is my room and my bed. I have learned to feel good in solitude when I'm out and about in the world, but that's often a stretch, and the peace leaves if I'm with another person or am running late.

The breathing difficulties I have from my allergies don't seem to help much, either. Because even then, it's hard to fall asleep sometimes or relax because I can't breath easily through my nose and it is still very uncomfortable to breath through my mouth.

I would like to do everything I can to support and heal myself around this issue. I need to and I want to because it's wearing me out to the point of not being able to function; past the point of even wanting to function, really.

This is not new, but my understanding & acceptance of the cause is.

What can I do?

I need to feel safe, at all times, down to the very core of my being. Somehow, I need to teach my body, mind and soul, that I am safe, always.

I have started meditating nightly, feeling into my body and noticing where the tension lies. I am practicing the gesture of safety that I learned in trauma group to help program my body to know that when I clasp my hands together it's a reminder that I am always safe.

In feeling into my body I'm noticing that holding my shoulders back and down opens my chest up & I can breath easier. It also opens my heart chakra, which is really important. If I can keep my heart chakra open at all times, I will be able to receive the love and joy and energy of the universe and I can let all experiences flow through me without holding onto anything. In this way, I can release all painful experiences and let them go. I can also prevent new painful experiences from harming me. I can live in joy and peace and connection, which is all I really want. I do believe that it is, on the most basic level, all any of us really wants.

Reestablishing a mindfulness practice is key. Practicing throughout the day, as much present moment awareness as possible. A good reminder is water. Any time I drink or wash my hands, it's a beautiful reminder to be mindful, at least for one breath.

I have noticed that my acid reflux has gotten pretty bad and this is something that I believe is tied to the hyper vigilance that I would like to address. Someday I would like to be off of omeprazole but at the moment I have had to double my dosage.

I have been told that dairy is not good for me, and I have been only so consistent about keeping it out of my diet. I am re-committing to eliminating dairy.

Ideally, I would like to see myself go on a whole foods diet, for at least a month. In this past week I have been sick so I have stopped drinking caffeine, which is awesome. The next big change would be to switch from eating mostly bars and packaged foods to real meals, preferably stuff that is homemade.

My boyfriend loves to cook, and I know he would love it even more if I joined him in the kitchen. Together we could make meals based on vegetables, potatoes, and meats. That would be really good for the both of us, and is pretty feasible. It will take some time, but I have found a few shortcuts to help me on days that I'm pressed for time.

For instance, I can buy a cooked chicken at the store & eat that for several days. Combined with some frozen veggies and rice and a little sauce (soy sauce with ginger and salt and honey) in a Tupperware, and I have a perfect lunch to take to work! Oatmeal for breakfast, maybe a hard boiled egg and some nuts for snacks, and I'm pretty well set for the day.

The challenge for me in the past has always been taking the time to prepare meals like this. I know it's not hard, but it has just never been enough of a priority for me to make it happen.

This past week has shown me that I need to make myself and my healing the number one priority in my life or I will die. There's simply no other way around it. In all honesty, I'm not really against dying, but I know on some level that it's not my time. I have been told by psychics and I feel it to be true that I will live a long and healthy life. I have a strong vitality keeping me on this planet. I try to deny it, I try to fight it, I try to run from it - I really do!!! But it's still there's, it's holding me here, and I am not going to change it no matter how much I struggler. Struggling against it, however, has and will cause me suffering, which I have had enough of and would much rather leave behind.

So. If I'm supposed to bloody damn be here then I had bloody best damn well get on with making it a shit damn positive fucking experience for myself...!!!

Reducing my physical discomfort is number one. It's really hard to do much else with my life when I'm tired and uncomfortable all.the.time. Reducing and eliminating the hyper-vigilance will allow me to redirect all that amazing energy and vigor within me into living rather than trying to protect myself from the attack that may or may not come and the war that ended long ago. It will also allow my nervous system to relax so I can experience the here and now as a joyful experience, or at least a decent experience, instead of something that must be survived and endured until I can get to someplace that is safe.

There are many things I want to do in life. I do want to travel. I do want to hike and climb and see some of the many beautiful places in the world. I do want to have a career that is fulfilling and enjoyable and supports my freedom.

As things are, I am tied to my job because it offers good benefits. I need good benefits so I can see my various doctors and specialists and have all my medications and supplements so I can stay functional enough to keep working. And I need the money to pay off the enormous student debt I have which is more of a source of shame and suffering than anything else in my life.

If I am going to be here for another 50 or 60 years, I would very much like to do more than prop myself up with a healthcare system that keeps me going just enough to keep working to pay for the healthcare system that keeps me going just enough to keep working....

I know it's possible. It starts here. It starts now.
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Too much  
06:26pm 14/02/2016

I have been criticized for being too serious, too dramatic, too intense. I have been told, “Not everything is about trauma/therapy/recovery” and “You don’t have discuss everything with your therapist” and “Stop trying to make everything about your psycho-babble-bullshit!”

While some of that criticism has been more pejorative than helpful, there is some basis. I do look at everything in life through the lens of psychology and/or spirituality. I do take things seriously. I am dramatic and intense.

In fact, it is because I feel everything so intensely that translating life as I have learned through therapy and spiritual practice is the only way I have learned to survive.

Without the tools learned through a variety of healing modalities, life really wasn’t an option for me. I feel *everything*. I wouldn’t say I’m an empath - I don’t always pick up on what other people are feeling. But everything I experience strikes me at the very core of who I am. I don’t just hear what people say, the words vibrate me to the bone. If those words are hurtful, even if not about me, I feel the pain physically, viscerally. I bleed from the inside out, and it often seems that dying would be much easier than continuing to feel that pain.

The world assaults me from all sides, physically and energetically. A car horn three blocks away makes me flinch. Bright sun on white concrete is blinding. My mom still talks about how I used to cry as a child whenever I saw roadkill on the street. I have had multiple medical professionals tell me that there is nothing physically wrong with my body; the gastric upset I feel is just my “sensitive” digestion system. I am sensitive. I am very, very sensitive, down to a cellular level.

Alcohol, drugs, food, and self-inflicted pain have all been really wonderful, very effective ways to tone down the outside world enough for me to relax for a while. Sleep has been a coping mechanism that continues to work after having been able to cut all the others out of my repertoire

I wish I could just shut out the outside world and my own inner turmoil like it seems other people can. I wish SO badly I could just take a drink to “take the edge off.” I can’t tell you how badly I wish that were an option for me. Or Xanax. Or Clonopin. Or meth. Or random sex with people. Or a razor blade….

I look at other people who are going about their lives in ways that blow my mind - working high stress jobs for years, traveling to strange places, going from social event to social event, raising a family while working and going to school… all these really wonderful sounding things that are way beyond my capacity for life… And I often wonder, “How do they do it? Why is their capacity for doing so much greater than mine?”

Maybe life doesn’t assault them the way it does me. Or maybe it does, but they are numb to the pain. Maybe using alcohol or food or sex or whatever gives them enough respite to keep going. Or maybe I am more deficient in ways I haven’t even realized yet.

Whatever the reason, I experience life to such a degree that it hurts. Just sitting in my car in traffic is painful. Just breathing makes my heart ache. Looking at the world around makes me well up with undefinable emotion and tears fill my eyes.

It’s not always painful. I’ve been told before that my level of joy and silliness makes people think I’m on drugs when I’m stone-cold sober. Maybe I feel more love and happiness than others do as well. Many of my relapses on alcohol were from feeling so good I didn’t know how to handle that any more than I could handle the pain and despair.

Maybe my dependence on therapy and spirituality is a crutch of sorts. I don’t know if there is a way I could ever conduct my life and operate in the world like most other people do without some kind of numbing/dampening agent to bring the frequencies of the world down to a level that doesn’t make my bones ache and my soul strain under the pressure.

Maybe there is another way to exist in this world, without being so obviously different from everyone else, without the very act of living being so intensely painful. I hope there is. Even as I have changed some over the years, there are still many, many days that six feet under seems a much more peaceful existence than the one I have above ground.

Yes, I focus intently on therapy and spirituality. Yes, I talk a lot about personal growth and transformation. I study various spiritual practices and new therapeutic techniques and just about any other path that promises peace and joy. I don’t really care about much else, honestly. Everything else in life is secondary because it has to be. Because the level of pain I exist in every day is too much, and if I don’t find relief, I won’t stay alive.

Sometimes I feel like the relief that I have experienced from practices like DBT and energy work and inner child work are a promise of what is possible if I continue on these paths. Other times I feel like they are a cruel teaser, like a slot machine, where the positive reinforcement is just enough to keep you going, keep you playing, keep you hooked, but you will never, ever really win. The only way to win is to walk away and quit forever.

And maybe someday I will. I am not sure what that will look like, but I can continue to hope.

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Rise Against  
11:23pm 14/12/2007
Ready to Fall

Prayer of the Refugee

The Good Left Undone

Swing Life Away

Advent Children
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Bad Religion  
09:36pm 14/12/2007
New Dark Ages

Sinister Rouge

Atomic Garden

Kyoto Now

American Jesus

A Walk

God's Love

Struck A Nerve
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(no subject)  
01:50am 23/09/2007
you know why I always hated the saying, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?

Because it was always said in the context of a person (me) suffering something that most “normal” people don’t go through, and implying that because I had suffered through that I was somehow stronger in a sense than they were

And yet, all my recovery process somehow seemed as a means to make me more “normal”

But “normal” people were weak because they hadn’t suffered through what I had

I can’t be “normal”

Because “normal”

Is weak

I don’t want to be normal

I don’t want to be weak…

Is that right?

I mean, I know there is no such thing as “normal.” Every one has suffered through trials and hardships in their lives.

Hell, I’ve never even been physically or sexually abused… I have never had anyone close to be die… There are people who have been through far worse trials than myself…

And somehow, for some reason, I resist recovery… I don’t know why…

Please try to read between the lines…. Can you make any sense of what I am saying here?
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(no subject)  
12:03am 03/09/2007
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Voluntary Human Extinction Movement  
09:07pm 28/08/2007

May we live long and die out.
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(no subject)  
07:59pm 07/05/2007
My therapists both say, "Do things that you enjoy." God. They just don't get it. I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. At best, reading/sleeping will bring me to a place of numbness, where I forget about myself for a bit. But then I wake up or put the book down, and start being me again, and again I am just overwhelmed with feelings of misery and sorrow, guilt and shame, rage and pain.

Slowly I plod through the days, dogged and weary. Maybe at some point there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, I see only endless days of oppressive nothingness.

Right now I guess I’ll do distract and delay. I really just want to cancel my appt tomorrow, but I’ll go through with it. I’ll continue on as I have been & do my best not to engage in target behaviors.
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(no subject)  
08:07pm 05/03/2007
I want to be healthy & happy & normal. My boss tries really hard to help me with that, and so does my therapist, L. When I went to my most recent session with L, he was ecstatic with how much I have cut back on the suicidal ideation & the drinking, and how I haven’t had any cutting, and how even my b/p’ing has decreased. I am entering a stage of “quiet desperation,” where I still feel all the pain and misery just as before, but I just really don’t act on it or do anything about it. I just sit with it, and feel awful. Nice. Isn’t recovery grand?

Supposedly there is a point where you move beyond that, into actually living & experiencing life and being satisfied with what is there, if not actually happy. Yeah. Supposedly… sigh…
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February 2016  

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